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GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

October 16, 1992

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Coming Out Within: Stages of Spiritual Awakening for Lesbians and Gay Men

by Craig O'Neill and Kathleen Ritter Harper Collins, 1992. $10, paper

Reviewed by Kevin Beaney

This book is being recommended frequently on the gay therapist and counseling circuit, and rightly so. The authors have set out to explain "the journey from loss to transformation" in the grieving process specifically for gay men and lesbians.

They use the eight-phase model of grieving defined by John Schneider in his book Stress, Loss, and Grief (Baltimore: University Park Press, 1984) as a foundation, and then adapt it to the commonality of the gay and lesbian subculture.

Don't be put off by the impressive words here. The book is written in simple prose, with few technical terms, and plenty of case studies which explain the phases in a downto-earth style.

You might think that grieving and loss is reserved for people dealing with death in an AIDS-ridden society. Not so. Much of this book focuses on each person's "life image"--what they think their life should be like. The issue with gay men and lesbians is, of course, that they don't fit into the life image expected or demanded by their families, churches, employers, friends... in fact, most of society. This creates an impossible situation and people react differently.

While trying to ignore their feelings, lesbians and gay men establish deep feelings of insecurity and grief. Some seek "help" from clergy and doctors who promise to cure them of their temptations and affliction. Many more force themselves to fit into society, perhaps by marrying or entering religious life. And yet, deep inside, the feelings continue to exist and demand attention. It is gut-wrenching to live with the conflict, and terrifying to think of accepting themselves as gay. Some choose suicide as the only resolution.

Even though the first two chapters of this book seem like they are stating the obvious, they should be required reading for every gay man and lesbian, and certainly for every person who thinks they might be gay but is afraid to admit it. By identifying the patterns, you can see how you fit in, and how you can work through anxiety and guilt. Pretending to be straight causes internal conflict and coming out is a frightening possibility with an unknown life image. Homophobia has killed the life image we

Oakar

Continued from Page 2

sent the devastation among women. Oakar's silence is deadly.

Astonishingly, when the Bush administration took an ax to the Aid to Families with Dependent Children and Women, Infants, and Children programs, Oakar apparently didn't realize the negative impact that such cuts would have on the poor. Many HIV-infected women and children relied upon these programs to stay healthy and urgently needed an advocate. Oakar's voice may have been heard in Washington but it wasn't heard at any local women's shelter or soup kitchen.

Instead, Oakar chose to aggressively campaign in favor of "white elephants" like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Gateway to bankruptcy.

While budget constraints supposedly necessitated a vast underfunding of many vital services, it is worth noting that Oakar continued to take advantage of taxpayerfinanced health care and free checking privileges. Oakar voted herself a substantial pay raise and enjoyed free membership

thought we should have. At some point we must all grieve, and that's who this book is for.

An explanation of each step in the grieving process is followed by several case studies. These are focused stories about the particular step based on real-life experiences. And you can be sure to identify with several of them. There are stories of being kicked out by family, of going through denial of HIV infection, of suppressing emotions and running away from feelings, and of long-term same-sex relationships being shattered by abandonment or accident.Each person goes through the initial awareness, tries to hold on, all the while trying to let go, and then becomes aware that it is a loss. In the latter stages the person puts the loss in perspective, and then tries to integrate it with the rest of his or her life. Only then can the person reformulate their life image and finally transform the loss into something greater and more spiritual. It's not a linear pattern; the stages may occur simultaneously or may repeat themselves. But it is progress.

The latter chapters focus on the spiritual exercise that grieving becomes. This is another fascinating observation that should be required reading for all lesbians and gay men. Through many counseling sessions and interviews the authors have been able to detect a similarity among gay people. Basically we are more spiritually attuned than the general population. We share a oneness and a tendency towards higher spiritual awareness and use the grieving process to move in that direction.

The authors have long experience dealing with gay and lesbian clientele: O'Neill as a Catholic priest, lecturer and spiritual director; Ritter as a private psychotherapist and professor of counseling. But they are not preachers. Many of the case studies and observations deal with people running to organized religion to find a cure. The authors clearly point out that religious organizations are not God and that lesbians and gay men should find whatever means they can to balance their personal acceptance with their understanding of a higher power.

This book is very empowering for the gay and lesbian reader. It explains how to move through grieving, and it is filled with validation of who we are and how important it is that we recognize and accept ourselves.

in a lavish health club. Oakar can't have it both ways. She can't claim to represent the needs of the "forgotten" people and live and act like royalty. Her dynasty must end.

While I whole-heartedly endorse the defeat of Oakar, I do not support her Republican opponent. My suggestion is that the election should be boycotted. Or perhaps disgruntled queers should write in the names of strong women like Anita Hill or Betty Friedan. It is vitally important, however, that Oakar is defeated. Because if Oakar remains in office, she most likely will be the Democratic nominee again in two years. And we have to do better than that.

The Chronicle invites Guest Opinions on any issue affecting the lesbian and gay community. Submissions should be 500 to 1,500 words, typewritten or on an IBM-compatible diskette. Please include your name and phone number so we may contact you. Send to P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, Ohio 44101, or fax to 216-621-5282.